The self-reliance trap of men’s mental health
Jun 24, 2026
Self-reliant!! The very thing we want our little boys to grow up to be. And yet, it may well be that total self-reliance is the very thing that will threaten their mental health.
I spend a large amount of time researching the neuroscience of mental health. But this one always gets me. Pirkis et al. (2017) looked at 13,884 men in the Australian Longitudinal Study on Male Health and found that self-reliance, a characteristic of dominant masculinity, stood out as a risk factor for suicidal thinking.
It's Men’s Mental Health Week. Read on for practical tools to help males stay connected and mentally healthy.
The Numbers
Did you know that more people die in Australia by suicide than those that are killed in motor accidents.
According to the Black Dog Institute, about 75% of all suicide deaths in Australia are male. And the ABS (2025) reports that male suicide sits at about 18.3 per 100,000. It's easy to think it’s young men who significantly contribute to this number (they do), it's working-age men that continue to see the sharpest rise in death rates.
The stigma still exists. We talk about heart disease, broken legs, and road safety. But we stay silent about the fact that men are more likely to take their own life than die in a road accident.
The Self-Reliance Trap
One of the very traits that we consider so important for success - self-reliance - was a key predictor in suicidal thinking.
Now don’t get me wrong, self-reliance is important and a fantastic trait to have. But we need to know where to draw the line. When it's ok to ask for help. When we need our mates, our friends, and our family around to support us. Bottling up our problems isn’t strength or masculinity. It’s the opposite. We need to be able to reach out, ask for help, and stay connected.
Loneliness, The Hidden Epidemic
If self-reliance is the trap, loneliness is the environment it leaves us in. It’s ok to feel lonely, however we have to take responsibility to change our situation. Nearly one in three Australians are lonely according to the State of The Nation Report on Social Connection. That means in every workplace, and in most families, there is at least one person who is lonely
Ironically, the very thing we need to do, reach-out, is the very thing that many people still view as weakness. Loneliness isn’t just about your mood. Loneliness is associated with many health and productivity impairments. Lower wellbeing, increased anxiety and depression, reduced productivity at work, the list goes on. When we are lonely, we enter a chronic state of stress.
Loneliness. It's widespread, largely unspoken about and it is eroding our performance and mental health.
Tools To Care For Your Mental Health
Externalise it. First, we need to identify it: I’m lonely, I’m struggling, I’m not ok. Then we normalise it and share it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength.
Make Check-Ins The Default. As men we often say, “lets catch up” or “I will call you”, knowing full well that we are never going to. Instead, try to create a habit that makes it the default. Every time I'm in my car on the drive home, I will call a mate. It’s called habit stacking, or cue based habit change. Link what you are trying to do, with something that you often already do.
Go First. Most of us are waiting for someone else to make the first move. It’s not like we’re trying to date our mates. What, are we scared that they won’t pick up the phone or they will be busy? So what, call the next mate. Be the bigger man and reach out first. I can almost guarantee they are wanting you to as well.
We raise our boys (and girls) to be self-reliant, and there is nothing wrong with that. But the strongest, most self-reliant thing a man can do is know when to reach out. We don’t have to be lonely. It just takes someone to go first.
References
1. Black Dog Institute. (2025). Facts about suicide in Australia (drawing on ABS Causes of Death data). https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/suicide/facts-about-suicide-in-australia/
2. Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2025). Causes of Death, Australia, 2024. ABS. https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/health/causes-death/causes-death-australia/latest-release
3. Pirkis, J., Spittal, M. J., Keogh, L., Mousaferiadis, T., & Currier, D. (2017). Masculinity and suicidal thinking. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 52(3), 319–327. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00127-016-1324-2
4. Lim, M., Smith, B., Owen, K., Engel, L., Qualter, P., & Surkalim, D. (2023). State of the Nation Report: Social Connection in Australia 2023. Ending Loneliness Together. https://endingloneliness.com.au/resource/state-of-the-nation-report-social-connection-in-australia-2023/